Just say no
How easy do you find it to say no? ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’ says the song, but from where I sit, in the therapists’ chair, saying no seems to be a bigger challenge for many people.
Our ability or confidence to say no is directly linked to our sense of our own boundaries, our self esteem and our capacity to understand our own needs and wants. Sometimes it’s easier to say no than to stand for yourself but over time this wears us down, zaps our energy and has us living a kind of life that can feel like it is more attuned to the demands of others than our own inner longings.
Every time we accept a social invite we’d prefer not to, or take on a job that is beyond our scope, every time a family member makes a demand, or we do something despite not wanting to, we are affected by an inability to say no.
It’s over-simplified to be told, ‘Just say no’ but in many ways the act of doing so is a sure way of building your confidence. Every time you say no, you are building a ‘muscle’ and it gets easier.
But there are a few other things to note.
- No is a complete sentence. You are actually not required to explain why.
- No sets a boundary according to you and what you need. This is enough.
- No is kind. To yourself and to others. Clear communication is the foundation of any good relationship.
If the thought of saying no fills you with dread, check in with what is really going on for you. Are you worried people won’t like you if you say no? Concerned people will no longer invite you to things if you dare to decline? Do you fear you might miss out? Perhaps being busy or over scheduled helps you feel a sense of worth?
None of these are valid reasons for accepting situations or requests that aren’t right for you. But it can take some time and honest self-reflection to work through the reasons why no is difficult for you to use. The guidance of a good therapist can be helpful to unpack your ‘no’ resistance and provide some helpful strategies to develop a powerful, and compassionate, no.
